Community & Business
8 May, 2024
From victim to survivor
THE sounds of shattering plates and glasses, yelling and screaming was a lullaby that Cynthia (name changed for privacy reasons) fell asleep to most nights at only 20 years old.
With a toddler on her hip and a baby on the way, she found herself in a situation where the man she loved, her boyfriend, became violent.
For two years, Cynthia's relationship felt like a “drug” – no matter how many times she left, she was pulled back into his cruel but warm embrace.
“You're aware it's bad, you know you should leave, but they convince you that this time it will be different and you want so desperately to be loved that you believe them,” she said.
“Domestic violence is a cycle and it's addictive. I was isolated; my family openly disliked him but wouldn't ‘interfere’.
“I came from (what I believed) was a good family so how could I let this happen to me? I should know better, which left me feeling deeply ashamed.
“I felt guilty that I had yet another failed relationship, more so that I had two children now to two different fathers.”
Cynthia’s relationship wasn’t always violent. At the start, things seemed perfect. It wasn’t until her partner moved in with her that things began to change.
“It started with verbal abuse and emotional abuse and became physical abuse after I fell pregnant,” she said.
“I knew the way he was treating me was wrong, but I felt if he could be the man I saw his potential to be, it would get better.
“Early on in the relationship after the abuse started, I did reach out to my family but they brushed my concerns off even though they openly disliked him.
“I didn't have any coping skills to speak of at the time. My childhood looked perfect from the outside, however behind closed doors my parents had an incredibly explosive and verbally abusive relationship.
“So, entering a relationship that was explosive seemed normal at the time. Looking back, I can see how my parents' own childhood trauma impacted their marriage and the flow-on effect it had on me and my siblings.”
As the relationship continued to grow even more toxic, Cynthia finally decided to leave.
Still pregnant with her second child, she felt guilty that the child would have to live without a father figure and felt forced to go back to him.
“We reconciled just before I was due to have the child. I felt the guilt of having his child, and the child being fatherless,” she said.
“The final straw was seeing on social media that he'd openly bragged about being with someone else. What followed the confrontation was the usual cycle of explosiveness.
“Weirdly, the abuse I could live with but him not choosing his family was the final straw. I knew that my children deserved better, they deserved to be the most important thing.
“So that's what I did, I made them the only thing that mattered and that gave me the strength to break the cycle for the final time.”
During their final “explosive” fight, Cynthia called the police, reaching out for any kind of help she could get.
She fought against him, defending her and her children from his weaponised words and his strong, violent hands.
“However, as I was standing at the door, yelling and throwing his things out the front when they arrived, I was told that they wouldn't be pursuing charges as both parties were at fault,” she said.
“They didn't point me to any support services, and I was left to work it out on my own.”
Leaving her own home, Cynthia and her two children left for a friend’s place and then to a family member’s place for a few weeks to sort out their finances.
After that, her now ex-partner was evicted from Cynthia’s property before she moved back in to restart her life with her two children.
It took years for Cynthia to recover from the trauma, which ran so deeply that even her children suffer from it today.
“It's been over a decade since that relationship, and over that time I've met the love of my life, had two more children and navigated my own mental health challenges, a diagnosis of severe anxiety disorder and ADHD,” she said.
“Looking back, I can barely recognise myself. I was young and scared and angry and I had no emotional regulation skills.
“I've suffered depression and anxiety on and off since I was a child and this part of my life definitely brought those back in a major way.
“I got professional help, at first just my GP, some medication and a counsellor, then over the years a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
“My oldest two children both live with anxiety, and the second child was diagnosed with ADHD at age 10; we believe that the ADHD was exacerbated by the stress I was under whilst pregnant.
“The DV relationship isn't the cause of my mental health challenges, but rather it's a symptom of where I was at, at the time. I now understand myself on a much deeper level and it's given me a depth of compassion I never would have had otherwise.”
Today, Cynthia is stronger and more powerful than ever. With the support of her friends around her, she has been able to grow and change as a person.
She hopes anyone in her situation knows they are not alone, and there is help.
“You're not alone, you're not a failure and you don't deserve this,” she said.
“I can say with high confidence that you have friends or family that have noticed but don't know what to do – my family told me after the fact that they saw it but they didn't feel that they had any right to ‘interfere’.
“And until you're ready, you won't listen to them anyway. This is just my experience and I know that compared to the many, many stories I've heard over the years, my situation could have been so much worse.
“Please know you're not alone and there is help available.”
If you are or know of someone experiencing DFV please call Women’s Centre FNQ on 4091 5100, Cairns Regional Domestic Violence Service/ Mareeba branch 4092 3290 or 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 for 24-hour support.
